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Dealing with It (2003-08-27 - 10:32 a.m.) I woke up this morning with that wonderful monthly friend waiting for me. This is the first time in my life that I am actually ecstatic to have this old buddy visit me. For you see I�ve been stressing out for the past week and a half due to this fabulous situation, a situation which I had to keep private until I could deal with it without comment. Now that I no longer have to worry about the physical repercussions of this soiree I can start to mend the emotional scars that I incurred. When I think back to that night, well, the parts that I can remember anyways, I feel so dirty and used. I feel that I was betrayed in the deepest way, by the person that I trust(ed) the most. I also feel that it is, in some way, all my fault. But then I think about it, and realize that it really wasn�t. I�ve been telling myself that I shouldn�t have put myself in that kind of situation, but then I become conscious�what the fuck! I was with FL! What kind of situation is that? For the past 3 and a half years I�ve been able to let my guard down with FL and everything has always been fine. How could I have known that that particular evening was going to turn into what it did? Being amongst friends is usually the safest place to be, isn�t it? Then what could I have done to prevent this from happening? I can�t find the answer to that right now. I�ve spoken with FL about the present state of affairs, and he seems to be totally cool with it; says that we were all just having fun. I really don�t appreciate his nonchalant attitude towards this. It really fucked me up, and to him it just seems like it was a good party. I spent the day after this �black out� evening with Al, who was almost as fucked up about it as I was. We talked a few days later, once he returned to the West cost, and he was very apologetic about it all. I don�t blame Al what so ever for what happened�he was almost as drunk (drugged?) as I was. I haven�t drank more and 6 beers since that night, and unless I�m 110% sure that I can trust the people around me, I never will. For all those girls out there that can handle your liquor�Keep your guard up, because no matter how good of a drinker you are, your tolerance to GH is probably pretty low. Keep safe, keep your drink in sight, and for Gods sake, be careful. |