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MOTHER FUCKER! (2004-08-05 - 3:54 p.m.) The only thing that�s keeping me at my desk right now is the paycheck that�s coming in next week. This place is just draining all happiness from me. When I�m here I�m not nice, I�m actually borderline homicidal. My family wouldn�t even recognize me at this moment. My mother would think that I�ve been possessed by some evil spirit, sent to earth to destroy everything in it�s path. That�s how bad it is here. I�ve decided that I�m going back to school, I can�t be in this line of work for the rest of my life�I�ll end up bitter and spiteful. I don�t want that�fuck no. There�s no way that I�m going to bust my ass at some shit job that makes no difference to anyone. Any nameless person could be sitting in this chair right now doing exactly the same thing that I am and no one would know the difference. That�s just the way it is in this line of work. Everyone is expendable. Hey, it�s the truth. I was going to start back at school next September, but the way things are going now, forget that. I�m looking at January now. But I�ll be at a different job too. I�d much rather be working in a bar or something, making less money but much less frustration. I can�t deal with this environment anymore. I�m going to have a fucking nervous breakdown soon. There�s just so much more that I�d rather be doing. A few of my friends think I�m a retard for going back to cegep at my age�but fuck them. Because, like I�ve said so many times before, if I don�t try I�ll never know. I�m back at my parents, I�ve got a roof over my head and food in my belly. I�ve got a great man to support me, and people, does he ever support me in this decision. I don�t want to end up like my dad�stuck in something he hates with a passion. I�ve always thought that I�d make a difference in some way, and working in a place like this, I don�t really see that ever happening. And it�s sad as hell. I feel like killing everyone. I just walked calmly to the bathroom and punched the shit out of one of the stalls. What the fuck? I haven�t done that since high school? Can you see what this place is doing to my psyche? I�m just continuously running around in circles chasing my tail�like a total and utter jackass. GAH!!! I don�t know if I�ll be in tomorrow, I don�t know if I can take it. My heart is pounding, my temperature is way up and I feel that at any moment I�m going to snap and scream at someone. Let�s just hope I don�t get arrested. |