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Lost (2004-03-24 - 7:32 p.m.) Well, I spent about an hour on the phone with FL today at work�not to mention the hour that we spoke last night. What�s gotten into him all of a sudden? For some strange reason, and it�s making very pissed off at myself, I�m finding myself missing him�just hoping that he wants to get back together. Not that I�m sure that I would, but just because when we were together I felt more whole than now. I feel like I�m missing something inside me�the part of a person that makes them human�because since we broke up I�ve been a total hedonist. It�s all been about pleasure, and usually at the expense of others. Not that I�m trying to use people, but just because it usually ends up that way. I�m going out with guys on �dates� left and right, I�m actually on the phone with one of them right now. They�re cool guys�and really great to hang with, but deep down I know that I�m just keeping them around to benefit me. I�m been using the cover of �networking�, but I know that it�s bullshit. I�m using my body and my ability to make most men crush on me to keep powerful and influential, and lately�much to my own self loathing; rich people surrounding me at all times. I�ve been living in high style, but man�where did my soul go? I�m not doing this to my �real� friends, but to men that I know want to get into my pants�and they�ll usually do it at any cost. Master is the only one I�m not fucking over like this�and you know why? Because he�s totally honest with me, which in turn, lets me be totally honest with him. Yeah, I�m messing around with other people, and so is he�and until we both say stop then all bets are off. I respect his ability to filter all the bullshit out�which is why I�m totally up front about where I�m coming from. I�m fulfilling a need he has, and vice versa, and we both know it�no illusions. I�ll have to be careful with Master though�he�s got so much control that I could see myself falling for him�for the image. Imagine, you�ve been turned on by badasses with long hair and chips on their shoulders all your life�then you meet a badass with long hair and a massive chip on his shoulder who treats you good, fucks you hard and have a blast with�wouldn�t you be in trouble too? Gah! Well, I�m off with yet another man to have dinner�I should just get it over with and become a prostitute�tehehe�that was a joke. |