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ARGH!!!! (2003-11-21 - 10:30 a.m.) Oh dear god. It�s only 10:07�I don�t think I�ll be able to make it through this day without at least twelve heart attacks. Fuck, do I need a smoke�I know that I have to quit soon, but I can never bring myself to take that �last hull�. It always ends up being the second to last, or the 20th to last. I�ll never quit. My whole family smokes, I was brought up in a hazy smoke-filled house, how can I live without smoking�it�s all I know. It�s been there from the beginning�never telling me I�m too fat, never telling me to put on a little make up once in a while. It�s like a best friend�how and the hell am I supposed to give that up? Shit�the more I talk about smoking the more my heart rate rises and the more I want to shoot someone in the face!!! GAH!!! Okay, change of topic�remember to breathe�.serenity now. When I got home yesterday I was in celebration mode, I wanted to drink some beer and get a few pats on the back. That didn�t really work out the way I planned. I walked in the door and no one was home�great. MM couldn�t make it over and everyone else was busy. I was not impressed. I haven�t been in this type of situation for a long time, and I really wanted to feel like people were proud of me. Then Brunz walked in the door with dinner for me and a huge hug�what a great guy. He gave me all the �I�m so proud of you��s that I needed. We drank some beer and I had the dumbest looking grin on my face all night. I�m moving up, things keep getting better, and I have to remember that. Sometimes I start looking at the negative side of everything and it ends up getting me depressed. I sat back last night and drunkenly took stock of all the good things in my life�and it ain�t that bad! Life goes on and I�ve just got to make the best of it. Have a good weekend, and take a moment to smile. |