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I want my tongue...and my life (2003-06-26 - 12:42 p.m.)

FL�s uncle is in the hospital right now getting his tongue removed due to cancer. The doctors are 100% sure that it was caused by smoking. Now this fazes me�imagine having no tongue! You can never taste again, never talk again, never really kiss your husband/wife again! My own grandfather died of bone cancer a few years ago, but that didn�t bother me as much as this does. My grandfather was in his eighties and lived a pretty great life. On the other hand FL�s uncle is only forty-eight, and has had a pretty rough go in this world.

Once cancer has gotten to your bones you know that you�re done for, so you enjoy the time you have left, there�s nothing more you can do. But with something like tongue cancer what can you do? They tell you that either you loose your entire tongue, or the cancer will eventually spread and then you�ll die a really painful death. (Oh sorry, I forgot, doctors don�t tell you about the painful part.) What would you do in this situation?

I smoke, I have for over 10 years, and I don�t see myself stopping anytime soon. But this shit makes me think twice. I�ve tried to quit so many times but I turn into Monster Bitch and all hell breaks loose. I�m not a nice person when I�m going through nicotine withdrawal. I�m asking for trouble because hey, if my grandfather had cancer that means it�s pretty close to home. If I keep going at the rate that I�m smoking�fuck it, I don�t want to think about that right now. Even as I write this stuff about wanting to quit smoking that urge is rising up in my belly. All you smokers out there know what I�m talking about. That anxious feeling you get when it�s been about an hour since your last smoke. It�s terrible. I don�t control my life, smoking does, and it�s killing me.

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