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100th Entry (2003-09-15 - 2:20 p.m.) This will mark my 100th entry. Time really flies when your life is a train wreck. I�ve decided to go back and read through all of my previous 99 entries to see if my life is any better than when I started this diary. To see if anything I�ve done in the past few months has made my life better. It�s sad, because now that I�ve read them, it seems as if nothing has changed. The same problems are still rearing their ugly heads, mocking me because I can never get them out of my closet. My life has changed a lot, but is it any better? I�ve finally got my own place, I have a new car, I�ve met someone very special and I have a few choice friends that are always there for me. Those are good things, but I�m under the impression that none of these things, excluding the friends that have helped me through, have made my existence more meaningful, or pleasurable. Yeah sure, it�s fun to have a new car/new place, but when I go to bed at night the same demons are still waiting to rip my soul apart. FL has been out of my life now for almost 2 weeks, and it�s killing me. I know that I�ve been substituting his absence with meaningless sexual encounters with a number of men. I�ve always needed to feel wanted by men, even if it�s just a physical want. Surrogate sex partners are taking the place of love and real affection. I know that this hurts me in the end, but for a short moment, will make me feel like someone actually cares, even if they only want to get into my pants, they�ll treat me like gold until they get there. I need to feel like gold. I was checking out my linkers and one of them has the comment �She is Montreal� next to my name. I don�t know if this was meant to be a compliment or an insult. What is that supposed to say about who I am? I guess it all depends on how you look at our fair city. I see it was as city without inhibitions, sexually charged and a bit dirty. Hey, you all know that if you can�t get laid in Montreal, you aren�t getting anywhere. I guess I�m the physical incarnation of Montreal�s aura, that I embody everything corrupt and immoral that is this city. Maybe I�m wrong, but after reading back through my entries and feeling as down as I do right now, it seems like it�s not too far from the truth. Happy 100th to me. |