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Back (2004-06-19 - 2:32 p.m.) Im' back in town again...and I think that this is where I'm supposed to be at the moment. Everthing was pointing back to Montreal. My old job wanted me back, movie oppertunities, all these good things seemed to be leading me back home. I still have an emptiness that I have yet to fill, but I really don't think my location will help to do that. Maybe I'm immature, maybe I run from my feelings and emotions...but maybe I've just never learnt how to deal with them before. Maybe I've always done this in my life, but in different ways. Drugs when I was in high school, alcohol since I quit drugs, and meaningless sex since I was almost old enough to have it. Florida wasn't going to solve that problem that makes me do all these things...only I can. I have no idea where to even start, but I think I'm going to have to try to get to the bottom of things, or I my end up running forever. I got together with Mr.Sexy last night, and as you can imagine, ended up having sex with him. It was awesome sex, but after it was over I felt terrible. I think that all I want and need is a little genuine affection...a little love. Since FL, I don't think that I've even felt remotely important to any man...besides MM, and even then, it wasn't enough. MM didn't want a relationship, which ended up making me feel unwanted emotionally. Like I was good enough for sex, but not as a girlfriend. That's kind of the way I've felt for a very long time...and I'm struggling, trying to figure out how to change myself into that better person that wont base her self worth on how many people want to sleep with her, or how well she performs. I want to be recognized for me. As a woman who's intelligent, artistic, musically talented and all that other stuff that most people don't even bother to see when they meet me. I don't want it anymore!!! Maybe some of you think I'm crazy for wanting to give up crazy mind-blowing sex with Adonis's. All those of you that have a significant other, who sleep with the same person everyday...the variety of my sex-life may appeal to you...but it appalls me. I want that significant other. Someone that actually cares about you, someone who knows you better than you know yourself. I'd give it all up in a second to have that again. I can't even remember the last time that I looked someone in the eye while having sex with them, and that scares me to death. Sex has become so commonplace that it feels the same as giving someone directions to the post office. Sex is like a rose...and every time you have it you give a petal away. Sooner or later you'll end up with no petals left, and there's nothing special to give anymore. That's when it's lost all emotional meaning and has become a purely carnal experience. And I'm tired of that carnality...fucking tired. |