Pissed (2004-02-08 - 12:42 a.m.)

I�m thinking about closing up Vbitch and starting up a new diary where no one knows me�I mean really knows me. It�s been getting to the point where I can�t really write what I want because of the people reading my diary. This is my space, but lately it isn�t. I�ve got at least 3 people that I know personally reading this. What happens if I want to write about stuff that I don�t want them to hear about. Not stuff about them per say, but stuff about me that I don�t want them knowing. Stuff that I don�t want them judging me for. If it wasn�t for them I�d be doing things that I normally wouldn�t, in fear that they would find out�sexual stuff. I�m not happy, and I don�t think I ever will be. I base the majority of my self worth on my sexual appeal and ability�I know this and have tried to change this. I don�t think I can. Maybe I got too fucked up from all those things that happened to me when I was a kid, who knows. What I do know is that I keep letting sex rule and ruin my life. At this moment I am having some kind of sexual relationship with 1) MM 2) Lion 3) TheMan 4) Nameless Lavalife Guy. What the fuck am I doing? The only one of these guys who knows about any of the others is TheMan, and he�s only in it for my awesome vagina�he�s not worried about who else I�m fucking, as long as I don�t bring any diseases back to him.

MM doesn�t seem to be worried either. He�s being exceptionally pissy lately, and I don�t know how to take it. Making and breaking plans, making me waste my time. Is he worth putting this much effort into? I�m trying to be there for him right now, and it seems like he really needs it, but I don�t know if I can. This whole sex/ friendship isn�t really working. Now he�s even ignoring my calls. Gah...I don�t know. I wanted to try to start things right with Lion, but then went and fucked things up (as usual) last night by being a total hedonist. Mutual masturbation on the third date usually isn�t the standard. I just want something normal�but to get to the right level of comfort to be able to have great sex takes so long!!! I�ve found great sex so many times, why can�t it just be with someone that cares about me? Who sees me for more than a hot chick, with a relatively intelligent mind, and a great ass. Why can�t I find something like what I had with FL? Well, the good years with FL, not that last extremely shitty one with the cheating and stuff. It seems as if the world isn�t interested in love anymore. Did things change that much from the time I hooked up with FL to now? There�s still got to be someone out there who wants more�someone who�s somewhat attractive, intelligent, still single and not gay. Doesn�t anyone like that exist anymore? What the fuck is so wrong with this world?

Anyways, on another topic, I�ve totally wasted my weekend. I fucking hate wasting my weekends. I�m the kind of person who isn�t happy without constant stimulation�and no, it�s not just the sexual kind�it�s any kind. If I�m not doing something with a relatively high �fun� factor, I feel like I�m wasting my time�and usually end up getting pissed off. I don�t like being pissed off. Life is too short to be pissed off�can�t you tell that it�s already too late to be telling myself this? That I�m already in a bad mood and that there is no way to get me out of it. Not even sex could help me now, it�s so bad that I doubt that anyone would even be able to convince me to drop trou and get some lovin�. ARG!!!

It�s 10:00 on a Saturday night, and I�m spending it home alone in my fucking housecoat. Ain�t I just a rebel? Thanks to MM I�ve wasted tonight�I was even having a great time this afternoon with a friend, who I ended up having to kick out because MM and I had planned to go see a movie this afternoon. Oh he wanted to stay, I wanted him to stay, we were having a great time, but nooooo, I had made plans and I have enough respect for the people that I make them with to at least warn them in advance if I�m going to have to cancel. I ended up having to call MM just to find out that he didn�t �feel� like doing anything anymore�that he just wanted to be crabby by himself. Thanks MM�way to take other people�s time into consideration. Really, it was too much for you to do, really�asshole. Now tomorrow is Sunday and I�ll have wasted my weekend. I could have been with a guy that looks like Jim Morrison for Christ�s sake�.JIM FUCKING MORRISON!!! Only the man that I was obsessed with throughout my entire high school career. But, I said no�I have plans for Saturday, sorry�rain check. Yeah�I could be getting busy with Mr. Mojo Risin�, but instead I�m sitting on my bed bitching to my laptop. Marvellous�fan-fucking-tastic.

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