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Blindness (2003-09-04 - 12:44 p.m.) FL left to go back to Bishop�s last night. I don�t know how I feel about it yet. Last night we got together for a farewell dinner and a talk. I told him that I wasn�t sure if I could speak to him anymore�it just hurts too much. He doesn�t seem to understand why I�m so upset about this situation, why I don�t think we can be friends anymore. It�s because it kills me inside to see him or talk to him knowing that he�s not mine anymore�even though he still makes it a point to tell me that he loves me. This is fucked up, very fucked it. I need closure to get over this, not him telling me that he still loves me. For Christ�s sake, he told me last night, and I quote: �Who knows, maybe we�ll get married.� Do you think that this was what I wanted to hear? Obviously not. I don�t need him telling me things like this if we�re not together, especially if he has no idea if we�ll ever hook up again. It�s as if he�s trying to keep me on a string. You know, keep my hopes up, just high enough, to wait for him to make up his mind. This I cannot, and will not do. I�m a strong person, and I don�t like to be manipulated, above all not when my emotions are so involved. Saying good-bye to him will be the hardest things I�ve ever had to do, but to heal, I think I may just have to. The thought of life without him scares the shit out of me. I have become a woman with him. We�ve been together since I was 18�you find yourself during these years. Fuck, I don�t even know how to be myself anymore without him. I know that sound really pathetic, but fuck off. This is my heart and this is how I feel. I�m loosing my best friend and a companion all at the same time. I�m finding myself trying to pick up as many guys as possible to fill the void that FL has left, and it�s making me feel pretty hollow inside. I�ve been told so many times that I have to learn how to fill that hole myself, to become a whole person. But my self esteem has dropped so low due to this that I�ll do anything for a little male attention. Pretty sad, huh? I�m sure some of you have been here before. It�s a place where the minute you get home you kick yourself in the ass for what you just did. A place where you use your body to get noticed instead of your mind. Oh fuck it�I don�t want to deal with this right now. Later. |