Razors Edge (2004-03-09 - 10:53 p.m.)

I was accused of being a nympho last night�do you think it could be true? Seriously�I want a response on this�if I don�t see any guestbook signings I�ll be very upset. Do you really think I could be addicted to sex? It kind of makes sense if you look back at my life�but is it really the sex or is it something else that I get out of it? I think it may be a little of both. I sit around wishing that I could have a normal life, a normal relationship, but when it really comes down to it, could I even stand it? After all that I�ve been through in the past few months since FL�do I really want it�or is it just wishful thinking?

Some people are content to being a part of life�I want to change it. I feel that you never really know when it�s your time and I don�t want to miss out on anything.

And yes Misstress, you may be right�I never really gave myself the chance to grieve FL, and maybe I don�t really want to. It hurt me way too much to face fully�to truly take in all the pain. Maybe that�s why I�ve been putting myself through this roller coaster of sex and alcohol�just to forget�or put off. I don�t know. I thought that I wasn�t happy�but who really is?

Yeah�I know, this isn�t the most coherent of entries, but I don�t care�because in the end this is for me, not you. I feel like if I stop�for even I moment I�m going to miss something�something important�something that I�ll never have the chance to experience again. And people�this is true. Every decision you make changes the rest of your life. If you light up that cigarette, if you make that phone call it�s going to change something somewhere down the line. I just don�t want to be laying in my deathbed cursing my morality for not doing something that I was given the chance to do. The people that actually know what I�ve been up to for the past few months may judge me, or think badly of me. But, all these men have something to offer me. Be it friendship, connections or just good sex. They are all benefiting me in some way�maybe not emotionally, but without them I�d have less opportunity to do all these different things. Such as�Master is hooked up like crazy for anything you can think of�because of him I getting to see a side of life that I�ve never been able to even glimpse before. The back entrances, the special treatment, the �important people�. TheMan is the same thing�but just in different ways�down the line I may need a friend like him. Oh well, I had sex with him once�but at least now we�re friends and I�ve gained that much more that I didn�t have before. I did some nudes�so what�I�m sleeping around�who gives a shit�no regrets.

It�s getting worse�a fire has been lit under my ass and I�ve got to go. I�ve got to get out and see the world�I could be dead tomorrow and I would never have seen Seychelles�I�ve never looked at the moon from Australia before. I want to do these things before I�m gone, and if these men can give me a leg up, so be it. Everybody uses someone�as long as no one gets hurt, why not?

Maybe I�m just an idiot, but I don�t think so�at first I was feeling guilty for what I�ve been doing�guilty and shameful. But now, it�s like �fuck it�. I�ve been paralyzed�life could be a lot worse than it is right now�and we all should be taken advantage of everyday�but we don�t. We�re lazy procrastinators. We put everything off that should be important to us until it�s too late. Well, not me. I�m going to be that one person that you know who actually goes on their razors edge experience. I�m going for it.

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